too much
29 Oct 2000, 11:57pm

Too much in my head tonight. As in, there's too much in there and I'm too much in there. Will have to think about this some more (irony!) and write later. Things have got to change, and that's like the bazillionth time I've thought that in the last year. I wasn't kidding when I said I have a little problem maintaining the status quo.

At least maybe for now I can correct the link problems that were magically inserted for me during the last update...technology gets the upper hand again...

mental bulimia
26 Oct 2000, 10:21pm

I've been having one of those days where I feel the need to purge. I go through these phases of compulsive acquisition, usually followed by an equally compulsive clearing phase in which I get rid of things, sometimes even the same things I just finished acquiring. This doesn't always involve material items, sometimes I collect and purge thoughts, feelings, worries, dreams, various information both useful and not. Often there's nothing really wrong with the old stuff, I just like the change. It's like I need to clear space in my brain and my life just so it can contain all that I want it to hold. I'm gearing up to acquire a lot of new knowledge and experiences and related accessories and now I feel like doing things like cleaning out my closets for the 3rd time this season, eliminating old habits, letting go of things that no longer serve me. I think this is good. I hope this is good. Really I don't know any other way to be.

This constant renovation gets me into trouble sometimes, though. Not too long ago I realized that my relationships usually crash and burn because I'm a fix-it kinda gal and I seem to gravitate toward it-ain't-broke kinda guys. I envy people who are happy with the way things are but I think I would have to sustain a massive head trauma to ever join their contented ranks. I need someone who's on the same quest as I am, but won't interfere with mine and won't get bent out of shape when I offer suggestions for theirs. Basically I guess I want someone mentally mobile. I want a partner in crime. I want a lot of things. I want to finish this entry so I can go to bed.

As you can see, I'm finally starting to get some graphics thrown in to the mix. I've got a long way to go but it's a start. There are just so many things I want to do with this site and my life in general that I don't even know where to begin, and I want to do all of it at once. No wonder I need to purge.

And speaking of purging, it's time to start archiving this stuff.

more human than human, more tallulah than tallulah
24 Oct 2000, 10:24pm

Been feeling sharp as a pillow and generally out of sorts this week, the very not-me kind of mood I hate. But I went to my commercial art class tonight and damn if I don't feel all but completely renewed. Being there is like being around my dearest friends, I'm the best of all possible me's at those times. All my wacky ways spill out unfettered and no one seems to mind, or want to call the authorities. It's a better-than-Martha-Stewart good thing. And may I say how life-affirming it is to finally have some clear idea of what you should and want to do with your life? Well I think I just did! Maybe that's why I can't work up a respectable amount of panic about my current state of employment; I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and this just feels like a little pothole on the way. Either that or I'm in heavy, heavy denial. Maybe both. But I really like my original theory oh so much better.

Just three short days til another life-affirming experience: a road trip to Dayton, Iowa to see my favorite band in the whole wide world, Noble Savage, rock what may be the only house TO rock in Dayton. And the extra special bonus is that it's a Halloween party. I love Halloween. Nothing really stops me from playing dress-up every day of my adult life, but this is when I really get to kick out the jams. And somehow in the process of pretending to be someone else, I seem to become even more me. How weird/deep is that?

[more of then, or more of now]

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