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10.20.2004 JP II: electric pope-alooLast night, I met the Pope. Well actually, after a brief discussion with Ms Jess about the nature of Karma, I dreamt that I went shopping, and ended up in this big fancy Vaticany-looking room. Somehow I figured out that it was a waiting room to talk to the Pope, and having enough concerns about bursting into flames in a plain ole church, I decided to get the I'm-going-to-hell outta there. Well, seems that wasn't an option, because as soon as I went to leave, the ground started rumbling, a giant cherub statue crashed to the floor, and one of the Pope's assistants appeared to inform me that once you're in the Pope's Waiting Room, YOU DON'T LEAVE, not until you've seen the Pope, cuz apparently God don' like it when you run out on his dude. That was all well and good, but I was really feeling like I shouldn't be there, as the other people waiting had Important questions to ask the Pope, theological queries, fate of mankind, how to achieve Peace on Earth, that sort of thing, and I just wanted to ask how my love life was going to pan out. So I tried to sneak out through an adjoining room, where I came upon an old dude wearing a white undershirt and pants. He asked why I was leaving and I told him I didn't think my concerns were important enough to bother the Pope with, but he said don't be silly, no question is unimportant, c'mon, stay, you'll like it, trust me - real friendly and easygoing, and that's when I realized HE was the Pope, sans the hat & robes. And man, that JP II sure was one cool cat. Who knew? Just the same, I still felt uneasy about bugging him with my trivial worries, so I don't think I ever did ask him about my romantic fate....nor did I ask him if bears shit in the woods, or if he is indeed Catholic. 10.19.2004 she ain't heavy, she's my mother
I love my mom! She's the bestest of the best. Pretty much everyone else who's ever met her loves her too, and the few who don't are complete tools. And speaking of tools, you'll be one too if you don't wish her a happy birthday today! Do it or I'll curse you with leprosy. I could have that power, you never know. 10.11.2004 restlessSometimes I wonder why I'm in such a big hurry to get someplace I'm not even sure I want to be. Sometimes I wish I were cooler than I am. I used to be cooler than this, or at least quirkier and more interesting than this, but I've become more and more bland with age. This could be entirely in my head, but whatever. I used to be cooler than this, I swear. Sometimes I wish I could stop caring about my job. It's a meaningless job, and really, I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not in it for megabucks or status or power, I just want to make enough to live on and then be free to pursue Other Interests, whatever they may be at the time. But then they make me set goals that mean nothing to me, expect me to form relationships with people who don't give a damn about me and vice versa, and then it becomes Important when it's really not, and then I'm worrying about it when I really shouldn't. Yuck. This job doesn't mean enough for all that. Sometimes I wish I could live alone forever, because I really, really like it, and I'm really, really good at it. And actually, there's nothing stopping me....except Love. Love is not well-suited to a solitary existence. Love demands a bit more of a commitment than that. And try as I might, Love will not be ignored or denied. So I really need to get used to the idea of not being alone anymore, but oh, it's hard, and confusing, because I thought that's what I wanted, and now I'm not sure, or just very, very scared. Sometimes I wish I could just be happy with the way things are, but it seems I never am. I'm hoping this doesn't prove too exhausting to live with, because I don't see it ever changing, not til my last dying breath. And I'll probably be sitting around in the Afterlife (Hell, or a suburb of, I'm sure) for all eternity thinking that wasn't quite right, too. Sometimes I wish there were more hours in the day, or maybe I just wish I had more of them to myself. Or that more people were up when I am. It sucks to be a Night person in a Day world. I'm a fucking dynamo after 10pm, people. Shame y'all miss it. Sometimes I wish I'd done everything differently, though I don't know I could have. Sometimes I think you're destined to experience certain things, learn certain lessons, be a certain you, no matter what you do. Because wherever you go, there you are. Kind of like a stalker. Sometimes I wish my boyfriend was still just my Friend and we could talk about things like this without it being so personal, but things change. Sometimes, though...often...now....I just wish I could sleep.
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