09.30.2004
fyi (for your information/indigestion)
My boyfriend is quite wonderful, and I adore his wonderful self. You don't really need to know this, but I need him to know that I thought you all should know this. So now you know! Feel free to gag now if you want to, I know I would if this wasn't my website. :)
11:43 AM | Comments (2)
09.10.2004
the infidels
I've been trying to come up with a suitable follow-up for the previous entry, and struggling. Not because our little fable ended badly....but because it didn't. Our chosen god came through, stepped up, if not altogether lively, and the disciples rejoiced. The favored disciple, however, is still rubbing her eyes to make sure they're not deceiving her. Believing, it turns out, is much harder than not.
I know there are people out there in the world for whom Love is easy. They meet someone special, fall willingly and unresistingly into Love's embrace, contentedly commit, and live more or less happily ever after. I am not one of those people. Neither, it seems, are any of my closest friends. Nor is my Beloved. Instead, we are terrified and recalcitrant. We push and pout and run and rage and do just about everything possible to drive Love away. We regard Love with dis-ease and distrust, constantly questioning it. Why are you here? Why are you staying? What the hell is wrong with you? What makes YOU different than all the others? Inside, we cling in a desperate panic, but outside, we hold Love at arm's length, determined not to show the vulnerability we regard as a despicable weakness. We are ridiculous with our contortions to avoid the very thing we most want.
And so we stand vigilant in the comfort of our qualms. In cynicism we trust. Dysfunction and despair, we know cold, so it's easy to talk about, easy to write about, easy to live there. I could write a hundred songs and talk endlessly about Love Gone Wrong, but when it's Right, I feel like a fool saying so. Rarely at a loss for words of doubt and dismissal, I find myself stumbling uncertainly in the lexicon of Love. Hard enough to express something so unfamiliar, but worse yet, what if I turn out to be wrong about the whole damn thing?
So I envy those who find all this easy, those for whom Trust and Faith is a given, not a warily-granted exception. It is a poor commentary on my life thus far that I actually have to get used to being treated as I should have been all along, but there it is. And I'm getting there, slowly, and rather stubbornly. Perhaps someday, in good time, I'll not only admit readily to being in Love, I won't defiantly don the disguise of someone who's trying desperately to get out of it.
2:21 PM | Comments (1)
09.03.2004
atheist
Faced with direct queries from his disciples, our chosen god shuffled his feet, coughed, and evaded answering. Pleading from all directions went unheeded. Years had passed and he hadn't moved from the spot we'd found him. His feet seemed melded to the ground, but upon closer inspection, they were not; he was as mobile as we were. He said he was with us, that our cause was his, yet we found ourselves pushing, pulling, dragging, straining, hoping our efforts would generate some momentum in him. Exhausted, we looked down to see what progress had been made: barely an inch. We tried again. He said he was helping, yet he dug his feet further into the ground. Again, the progress was minute. Are you in this or not?, we asked. Yes, yes, of course, he said, but we were rapidly losing faith, his words growing emptier in the face of his inertia. Despite our doubts, we pressed on. We continued our efforts til we were broken and weary, the favored disciple all but destroyed. He said he was trying to please all of his followers, yet no one was happy. Have faith, he said, but we found it hard to believe any longer, for we'd suffered too long, and while we had struggled, the grail we sought had come to us: it was now only a short step away. Yet still, he did not move.
11:51 AM
