05.20.2003

spark

I am combustible
electrically charged
I could set off
sparks in your arms
I'm glowing I'm burning
I'm dangerously close
crackling kinetic
top down to toes
I could melt you
I could wreck you
I could change you
I could save you
I'm craving kindling
an outlet
ignition

11:16 PM | Comments (0)

and I'm not crazy, either

Actual thought I had today:

"I'm NOT obsessed, it just seems that way because I talk and think about it all the time."

1:58 PM | Comments (0)

05.17.2003

things are going to change starting now*

I mean it this time. From now on I am going to:

  • walk to work unless weather is horrible (e.g., tornado/thunderstorm or excessive heat/humidity - i.e., 2 days of entire summer)
  • stop staying up so late/get more sleep (starting Sunday since weekend already shot to hell)
  • reduce consumption of caffeinated soft drinks related to ongoing sleep deficit
  • eat more fresh fruit despite wretched moldy produce selection at neighborhood grocery store
  • better organize life in order to spend more time doing preferred activities such as sleeping and sex
  • better manage finances to reduce & eliminate debt/establish savings account/procure desired material goods
  • stop buying magazines I only read once OR buy subscriptions/read them at local library/continue habit of reading at bookstores without making any purchase
  • make better use of time/opportunities at work. possible ideas: actually working while there, learning to sleep with eyes open, embezzlement
  • be more openly affectionate with loved ones, keeping in mind that not everyone is comfortable with being dry-humped in public or at all
  • encourage cat to puke on linoleum instead of carpet and use scratching post instead of destroying furniture drug cat/self
  • create TV-watching schedule/use VCR as God intended it
  • practice singing, not just in shower/car
  • continue practicing guitar-playing despite total lack of improvement shown over 15-year period (aka, sucking)
  • start reading again, preferably books with words, but may have to work up to that
  • stop bitching about how much other people bitch even though it is so very annoying and they are stupid
  • make more useless lists such as this one as gives feeling of accomplishment without any real effort
(* note most of this I have been saying for weeks/months/years/entire life)

2:37 AM | Comments (0)

05.13.2003

fragment

This affair is like an unfinished thought, and I really wish you'd quit interrupting me already.

6:34 PM | Comments (0)

sans sanity

I am unreasonably bothered by serif fonts. They really, really annoy me. Not enough to kill someone over it, but enough to avoid bookmarking websites that use them, even if they are chock full of useful or compelling content. You write me a love letter in Times New Roman, I ain't readin it, fool.

11:22 AM | Comments (0)

05.12.2003

incomplete

"I think there're pieces of me you've never seen. Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen." -- Tori Amos
I find it interesting that different people can have completely different impressions of one person. A coworker called me "a quiet little mouse" today, but I've acquaintances that would have laughed out loud at that characterization. To loud people, I am too quiet. To quiet folks, I'm too loud. To the cautious I am too reckless and to the bold I am too reserved. And so on. To a coworker who's never seen me surrounded by friends, a margarita or 2 into the night, I am a quiet little mouse. To friends who've never seen me staring silently at a computer screen 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, I am...god only knows what. I find this a little frustrating sometimes. I know a lot of people, but there are only a handful -- maybe -- who really know me, who've taken the time, seen through the facades, gotten past idolatry or demonization, and with whom I've shared a little more of myself. With everyone else, I feel a little cheated, or I feel that they're cheated. I know there are people missing the softer side of Tallulah, or the smarter side, the sexier side, the savvier side, the better side, whatever -- all because there's only so much of me I can or want to show at any given time, in any given scenario. In a vulnerable position, I'm even more likely to play things close to the vest, and those are probably the times when it would serve me to show my hand. It's easier said than done, though, when you're a complex, cautious, complicated, and cagey girl like myself. And once a person has formed an opinion of you, it can be hard to change it. Meanwhile, there's a disconnect and a loss while some see those better pieces in others, but not in me.

11:21 PM | Comments (0)

05.07.2003

hope - such a nice girl

Yesterday at work, we interviewed a job candidate, and asked this woman to tell us about a decision that had been hard for her to make. She described coming into a fractious work environment with a lot of tension and mistrust between the existing team members. After several failed attempts to bring the group together, she came to a crossroads: give up and work like the rest of them in isolated hostility, or make one last attempt at unification? She chose the latter option, and this time, it worked. Walls came down, bonds were forged, harmony prevailed. I wanted to hire this woman based on this story alone. Not because she made a choice that proved successful, but because she made a choice based on nothing but hope when there was little cause to have any. The story may have been slicked up for the interview, but I really admired this woman's attitude.

To stay optimistic when there seems little reason to be, to keep going when there seems no point, to give people the benefit of the doubt when my instinct is otherwise - these are things I struggle with constantly, and there are too, too many people close to me waging that same internal war. Being cynical is easy and has less risk of failure - life certainly does suck a lot of the time and if you err on those odds you'll rarely be wrong. Staying positive is much more challenging. Optimists are often seen as fools, but are they really? Maybe it depends on where that optimism originates. It's one thing to be positive and perky when you don't know any better - ignorance really is bliss. But twice-bitten, battle-scarred, eyes wide open, yet still keeping hope alive and trudging on - that impresses me. I want to be one of those people.

11:36 PM | Comments (0)

05.06.2003

busywork

To further prolong the distraction from total despair that working on this website is providing me, I'm converting to a new content management system, so:

  • all of your previous comments went bye-bye, possibly forever

  • the March and April 2003 entries are hiding temporarily

  • I'm up WAY too late yet again, and

  • I will continue to avoid saying anything meaningful or amusing here until I'm finished with the conversion or the Big Empty I'm trying to ignore caves in on me, whichever comes first.

2:16 AM | Comments (0)

05.01.2003

and...we're back

Yes, I know there are things missing and not everything works right yet. Bear with me, I'm trying to have a life here, too...sorta.

10:20 PM | Comments (0)

I'm switching teams.

Not really, but I am switching web hosts, so if I'm inaccessible, it's because sometimes I shut people out to avoid getting hurt, or maybe I just don't like you. And if the site is inaccessible, it's because of that switching-web-hosts thing.

12:42 AM | Comments (0)