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03.11.2001 pricklyThe weekend has been mostly successful, but a couple things are sticking in my craw and the more I think about them, the more annoyed I get. The simple solution would be stop thinking about them. Yeah, right! 03.06.2001 unsettledMy contents must have shifted something fierce during transit. I remain unsettled; a faint dust of ill-ease clings to me and refuses to budge. I need to be enveloped, but not smothered, in a protective, trusted coccoon of warmth, but I know I wouldn't recognize it even if such a thing came along. And worse yet, I'd probably try to kill it and then run like hell. I'm funny like that. 03.05.2001 new. pretty.I dig this. She's even got a log of her dreams. I should probably do something like that, but then I read my previous entries and realize I already have. 03.04.2001 not quite"I asked for water, he gave me gasoline." 03.03.2001 exposedThere is a tiny crack along the edge of one of my front teeth. An edge of bonding applied years ago has chipped away, something apparent only to me, but I can feel it there, and in a rush of cold air, it stings. It's something I've been meaning to get fixed once I had insurance to cover it, which, as it turns out, is now. Last night, after an evening out best characterized as bizarre, I fell into a slumber punctuated by crazy dreams, like a plot to steal a sofa (sure, I need a new one, but it's not exactly something I could tuck into my jacket and slink out of the store with), an illicit, inadvisable kiss among friends, and a disturbing incident involving my tooth. The rest of the bonding had fallen away. I felt the jagged edge with my tongue. Examining it in a mirror, I found it was not just the edge that was exposed, but the entire front surface of my tooth, revealing a strange metal framework. I was stunned at its androidal appearance, and the fact that I felt no pain. But I knew the pain would come. The metal underpinnings were delicate, and it would take little to disrupt them, and from there my agony would start. Now how was I to deal with this? I searched the phone book for a dentist ready to tend to my crisis, but as soon as I flipped to the correct page, the names and numbers vanished from it. I made calls, and someone answered, but they said nothing, as if they were hiding from me, a little joke. I wondered how I would brush my teeth to avoid the fractured, fragile member. I went to my mother to express my distress at my situation; she simply shrugged. My vulnerable state seemed cause for alarm to no one but me. I think I know what this means. I'm fragile like that. And I'm not sure anyone really knows, I'm not sure anyone really understands. I'm not sure I won't have to continue to deal with it alone, and I'm not sure that isn't how it's supposed to be. 03.01.2001 A.M. what I am?Lately I've taken to waking up early in a state of panic. For a while, this didn't seem unreasonable. For my personality, actually, it never seems unreasonable. But it's annoying. I calm down, doze off, and go straight into that deep R.E.M. sleep that makes the legitimate wake-up call a tough one to take. As a result, I spend the rest of my day not quite lucid, longing to finish dreams I can't even remember. Annoying. So this morning, when my regularly-scheduled anxiety attack came around, I asked myself, "Just what exactly are you so wound up about?" I came up with a broadly-drawn list that included work, money, friends, family, the past, the future, myself, my world. Realizing the absurd expansiveness of my worries, I tried to flesh them out with some specifics. It put me to sleep. Ha. Counting sheep is so passé. |