Sometimes I wonder why I'm in such a big hurry to get someplace I'm not even sure I want to be.
Sometimes I wish I were cooler than I am. I used to be cooler than this, or at least quirkier and more interesting than this, but I've become more and more bland with age. This could be entirely in my head, but whatever. I used to be cooler than this, I swear.
Sometimes I wish I could stop caring about my job. It's a meaningless job, and really, I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not in it for megabucks or status or power, I just want to make enough to live on and then be free to pursue Other Interests, whatever they may be at the time. But then they make me set goals that mean nothing to me, expect me to form relationships with people who don't give a damn about me and vice versa, and then it becomes Important when it's really not, and then I'm worrying about it when I really shouldn't. Yuck. This job doesn't mean enough for all that.
Sometimes I wish I could live alone forever, because I really, really like it, and I'm really, really good at it. And actually, there's nothing stopping me....except Love. Love is not well-suited to a solitary existence. Love demands a bit more of a commitment than that. And try as I might, Love will not be ignored or denied. So I really need to get used to the idea of not being alone anymore, but oh, it's hard, and confusing, because I thought that's what I wanted, and now I'm not sure, or just very, very scared.
Sometimes I wish I could just be happy with the way things are, but it seems I never am. I'm hoping this doesn't prove too exhausting to live with, because I don't see it ever changing, not til my last dying breath. And I'll probably be sitting around in the Afterlife (Hell, or a suburb of, I'm sure) for all eternity thinking that wasn't quite right, too.
Sometimes I wish there were more hours in the day, or maybe I just wish I had more of them to myself. Or that more people were up when I am. It sucks to be a Night person in a Day world. I'm a fucking dynamo after 10pm, people. Shame y'all miss it.
Sometimes I wish I'd done everything differently, though I don't know I could have. Sometimes I think you're destined to experience certain things, learn certain lessons, be a certain you, no matter what you do. Because wherever you go, there you are. Kind of like a stalker.
Sometimes I wish my boyfriend was still just my Friend and we could talk about things like this without it being so personal, but things change.
Sometimes, though...often...now....I just wish I could sleep.