Did you know cream soda (at least A&W's) contains caffeine? I didn't, which explains why I was wide fucking awake feeling like I was having a heart attack at 3am after consuming one with my Sunday dinner. Me and caffeine have an uneasy relationship, not unlike the one I have with love. Limited quantities, only when in dire need...that sort of thing. Having been burned many times before, I try to stay away. Now I feel so deceived, and the taint is all over the six-pack in my fridge. And why does cream soda need caffeine anyway? Creamy vanilla-y things should be soothing and sensual, they should not enduce anxiety and manic behavior. Goddammit, I have love for that!

Having had an annoying cough since I started smoking crack for weeks now, today I auditioned a new doctor to get it checked out. What makes this noteworthy is that before checking my vitals or even telling me her name, the nurse handed me a pamphlet -- given to all new patients, she explained -- on the benefits of having a living will. This seemed rather morbid and not terribly confidence-inspiring. Like, "You may not make it through this office visit alive, and by the way, my name is June." It did, however, give me something to clutch like a security blanket during the examination. Poke me, prod me, do what you will, I'm armed with information! In the end, the doctor concluded that I probably have bronchitis, which is not life-threatening, but later, I'll be struck down dead by the fiery wrath of God, and not just for mocking this informative pamphlet.