I've been getting a lot of action in my dreams lately. Monday night John Cusack was my boyfriend, and when he kissed me, I discovered he had a mouth full of cottage cheese. Which isn't so odd considering I'd made a Say Anything... reference and ate some cottage cheese that day, but still - eww. Otherwise, he was a good boyfriend, very sweet and protective. Last night I was violated in a number of delightful ways by another actor. And a week ago, I was willingly seduced by a suave fictional serial killer, knowing full-well he was going to kill me afterwards, which really makes that whole cottage cheese thing seem almost sane by comparison. Have I mentioned that I watch too much TV?

Before the Celebrity Sexmatch began, one ex after another began appearing in my dreams, as if systematically reporting for long-overdue exit interviews. They've been pleasant, chaste dreams, and I'm vaguely wistful upon waking, but it feels like one last look before I'm really ready to move on.

I figure this is all just a necessary and integral part of my Romantic Retirement, which may be one of the best ideas I've ever had for myself. I really wasn't sure it was doing me any good until Valentine's Day came along, a day I normally hate above all others, a day that has sucked even when I had a boyfriend. The Dreaded Day loomed and I realized that I was fine, not bitter or mournful, actually kind of looking forward to it. The Dreaded Day came and I felt happy and serene. Why? Because for the 1st time since kindergarten, I had NO expectations for anything, no secret hopes for some romantic gesture from any source, and therefore nothing to be disappointed about. I had love for myself, love for my friends and family, and that was enough, in fact that was great! It was very freeing. And this is just what I've been seeking during this little sabbatical: a feeling that I'm enough on my own, that I don't need someone else or their approval to be worthy and happy and OK.

But I still want someone, someday, just not any ol' someone. It's gotta be right, it's gotta be great, it's gotta be worth coming out of retirement. I want someone who'll really set my heart a-flutter, without me fluttering to change and demure just to please them, ignoring those nagging knots of doubt that something just ain't right. Hopefully, when the time comes, I'll be less foolish than I have been in the past, after learning the hard way, several ways, several times over. In the meantime, I continue to dream...