Chris

"How do I tell them I have no inner monologue?" - Austin Powers

I met Chris on December 31, 1997, so every year we celebrate an anniversary more commonly referred to as "New Year's Eve" (Champagne? For us? Oh, you shouldn't have!). Everyone knows Chris as Big Daddy, despite his being neither all that large nor a father. It's more of an attitude, really. Big Daddy is notorious for taking bad dares and licking strangers. Chris, his mild-mannered alter-ego, is notably more thoughtful, and rather pained by the whole stranger-licking incident. Despite or maybe because of his exploits, Chris is one of my best friends. He and Eric and I are like the Three Stooges: we entertain ourselves by doing things like smacking each other on the forehead. I'm sure other people would like to smack us, as well, but they'll have to join our inner circle for that privelege! (Enough about him, I want to read about someone else!)


Clarence

Clarence is the fat loud lazy shedding machine I call my cat, without whom I'd be lost, and my wardrobe would be cat-hair free. (You call that a bio? What else ya got?)


Cristy

Our friendship blossomed as our high school career ended, drawn together by a common love of music and big words. We both took up guitar (she, successfully, me...well, it makes a great objet d'art in my living room) and together parodied the entire Beatles song catalog as the fictional group The Morons (it was a labor of love). I persuaded her to leave Iowa and join me in Washington when I started college. We lived in a questionable apartment building and took advantage of our newly parent-free existence by watching MTV 24/7 and subsisting on a steady diet of junk food. We had no car and precious little money, so we entertained ourselves by writing songs and coloring our hair. Many tense moments ensued over my questionable sense of time (I am, shall we say, punctuality impaired) and Cristy's Pigpen-inspired organizational style. Nevertheless, these were some of the happiest times of my life. Despite wildly diverting lifestyles and years of being out of touch, we can still pick up right where we left off. She's been a great friend and profound influence on me. (Fascinating...tell me more about your esteemed associates.)


Cyndi

"Once you've overanalyzed them, problems become quite small." - Cyndi

Cyndi is a soothing voice of reason in my chaotic world. Talking to her is cheaper and more effective than therapy, and definitely more pleasant. She is one of the few people who can match (or even just tolerate) my penchant for dissecting the minuteae of human behavior for hours on end. What I admire most about Cyndi is that she has seen more adversity in her life than an impoverished war-torn nation, and yet she still manages to be one of the kindest people I've ever met. Her home is like a failed Halfway House for disenfranchised animals - I say "failed" because so few of them ever actually leave. She suffers fools and suffers because of fools with incredible grace, strength and dignity. (That was so inspiring, I simply must read another!)


Eric

"I should have been a farmer." - The Natural

Eric can keep a straight face better than anyone I've ever known, especially when he's earnestly telling you a piece of complete, ridiculous fiction. He once had me fervently trying to define "deadpan" for him after I called him the King of Deadpan. "Bedpan?" he asked, confused. It was a long while afterwards before I realized he was just pulling my leg, like always. He makes me laugh, and I love people who make me laugh, so naturally I adore Eric. Plus, he smells like a chocolate sundae, which is a good thing, although I have yet to persuade him of that...I think...he could just be messing with my head again. (Yes, but what other deviants do you fratranize with?)


Janis

Janis is tall, thin, cool, incredibly stylish and impeccably coiffed. She is the one girlfriend of mine consistently rated highly attractive by both men and women alike. If she were not also kind, generous, crazy, downright hilarious, and the most unnecessarily self-effacing person I know, I'd hate her guts. She's great at making other people feel, well...great. And you know when you're laughing so hard that you stop making any sound and just shake, tears springing from your eyes as you giddily approach hyperventilation? That happens all the time with Janis. Everyone should know someone you can laugh with like that, and if you don't, your life is a sad, hollow thing, my friend. (I'm powerless against this propaganda. Hit me with another one.)


Mike

He's obsessed with 80's music. His taste in women...I can't even go there, it hurts to think about it. Without him, much of this cast might not exist in my world (affected parties can submit their complaints directly to him). He almost molested me once, but it was only by accident (too bad for him? me? maybe both). You can experience the splendor of Mike at a safer distance here. (Them's some fine readin's...I reckon I'm hankerin' for another'n!)


The Minty Fresh Mobile

Since I practically live in the thing and am loathe to clean it (just like my real home), it's no longer all that fresh, but my car is the exact color of an Andes Mint Parfait Thin. The distinctive hue helps me distinquish it from the 4 other Escort ZX2's in my apartment complex and the scores of others on the road these days. Unfortunately, it also affords me no anonymity, should I ever want to engage in a drive-by shooting, or something similar. Not that I ever would, of course. I think operating a gun would just distract me from more important things, like speeding. (Maybe the rest of the cast is human...let's check it out.)


Mom

I have the coolest mom in the world, and I'm not just saying that because she sometimes gives me money. She's one of my favorite people in the world. People love her, and rightly so. She's fun, funny, easygoing, easy to be around, and truly young at heart. Although she can't comprehend why, we're frequently mistaken for sisters, her looks and demeanor are so youthful and vivacious. I'd say that I want to be just like her when I grow up, but it's pretty much already happened. Unfortunately, I seem to have also inherited her non-existent navigational sense and premature senility, but since they're mostly endearing traits, I'm ok with it. (These people probably paid highly for these endorsements. I wonder whom else we might be able to bribe.)


Noble Savage

A damn fine local band, and I'm not just saying that because my friend Scott is their guitar player (and a damn fine one at that). Even if you're not in the Des Moines area, you can still feel the love (or something similar) and become a Savage groupie at www.noblesavages.com. (Will this parade of wonder ever end? Please tell me it won't!)


Rabbit Punch

Another kickin' local band that I am not (unfortunately) paid to endorse. Check them out live, or check them out hermitic geek style (just like you're doing now) via www.rabbit-punch.com. (This shameless fawning excites me to no end, gimme mo'!)


The Toyota Turtle

It's dead now, but man, I loved that car. It was the bomb, baby! - a gold '86 "deluxe liftback" that hauled an amazing amount of my crap, could do 90 even if it looked like it would fly apart at any moment, and kept on ticking despite my collosal neglect, until I tossed it over for a shiny new debt. If I could have it back, I would. You never forget your first love, you know. (And I'll never forget these memorable characters, cuz now I wanna read about them all over again!)

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